Okay, that statement was untrue. That WAS me, about 115 days ago. I was 4 months post part, absolutely in love with my daughter, and absolutely NOT in love with myself. I didn’t like a single part of my body, I hated how clothes looked on my body, I didn’t want my photograph taken, and I absolutely refused to look at myself in the mirror. I felt ashamed of what I had let my body become, frustrated with my lack of self-control around food, and jealous of everyone who was physically fit. I had tears in my eyes when I saw my Dexa scan for the first time because, well, I was disappointed in myself. Ugh, disappointed. Isn’t that the worst feeling? It always bring me back to being a teenager when your parent tells you that they’re disappointed in you. The. Worst.
During my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes at 28 weeks. My journey with gestational diabetes is a long one that I will save for another post, but basically the diagnosis made me feel like an absolute failure. Despite the gestational diabetes going away once the baby was born, the shame I felt remained. It lingered within my daily self-talk, which had become consistently negative. It mixed with the stress of balancing my new identify as a Mom, my work schedule, and my relationship with my husband. Coupled with the effects of sleep deprivation and my baseline Type A personality, it was the perfect storm to develop some legitimate anxiety. I knew I needed a change, and I knew that change was me.
When I went to visit my OB/GYN for a follow-up after having my baby, she recommended that I check out a lifestyle and metabolic medicine facility. She knew that I enjoyed CrossFit and had been trying to eat healthy at home, but she also knew that I felt “stuck” and needed some outside help with achieving my goals. What caught my attention about this facility was not their promise of weight loss, but rather their client testimonials about the focus on cognitive behavioral therapy helped them address their emotional triggers with food and identify how their thoughts influenced their feelings, which turned into actions (again, a topic to be elaborated on another time).
I signed myself up, got started in the program and within 12 weeks lost a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight. There are a few differences between this weight loss and previous weight loss (I know, that’s what EVERYONE says. EVERY time):
#1. I have a daughter that I want to be a model of healthy habits for. I want her to have a healthy relationship with food, not sneak snacks from the cabinets after supper like I used to. I want her to love her body, speak positively to and about herself, and know what it feels like to be strong!
#2. I know a lot more about nutrition. I am not even close to an expert but I am a huge nerd who loves to read about how food fuels, or attacks, our body.
#3. I have integrated mindfulness into my daily routine, which is a MAJOR KEY.
#4. I am sharing my journey with YOU. Partly to hold myself accountable, partly to share my story with those who are experiencing similar struggles.
Follow me as I take this trip into a new life chapter as new Mom, wife, daughter, friend, niece, medical speech-language pathologist who is making a pledge to love herself, love her body, and be healthy!